Things I've Learnt From My Father
1) TV is a good source of information. Nothing beats TV. Books -- fuck 'em. The Internet, Wikipedia, Google, fuck it. TV is where it's at.
2) I'm always right. The fact that you don't take my point of view isn't because my arguments are flawed but rather because you have a personality disorder.
3) Covering the windows and doors with plastic to save a couple bucks every month far outweighs the safety issues of not being able to escape during a fire. Fires aren't real, that's only in the movies.
4) Talk loud, really loud. It makes you sound smarter.
5) If you can't beat 'em -- just give up. Take my advice, it's not worth doing if it's hard.
6) Make fun of your kids. It will make them tougher and be happy because they have a real world perspective about how disappointing life is.
7) Chew really loud. The louder the better. It means you're being more thorough with your digestion.
8) Never remember anybody's birthday, if you remember one, you'll have to remember them all.
9) Playing favorites is a great way to raise a family. If you favor one child, the other child will shape up so that he or she will also be favored as well.
10) Have no inhibitions about farting in front of others. Holding in your gas is lethal.
11) Misquote everything and get facts wrong. It's more original that way.
12) When talking with people, yammer on about useless/incorrect facts, yell at them when they don't agree with you, and accuse them of not knowing anything. Attack the person not the issues, you can't attack issues, they don't cry.
13) Talk to the TV. One day it will evolve and talk back to you.
14) Buy things you don't need. You might need them later on.
15) Your house is shaped like a box for a reason. So you can put stuff in it and store things up for years you'll never use.
16) If the house is messy get your wife to clean it up. Women enjoy cleaning and cooking. That's why they always do it.
17) The quality of a jacket/coat is defined by the amount of pockets it has. The more the better.
18) The end of the world is coming. Relax, God will do all the hard work.
19) Making up your own "facts" isn't stupid, it's creativity at its finest.
20) Why look forward to the future when look back at the past is way more accurate?
21) The toilet is man's greatest invention. Get acquainted with it by shitting in its mouth day and night.
22) Chinese people are smarter than everyone...I'm Chinese. I chose my ethnicity wisely...because I'm Chinese.
23) Never give up, unless I think what you're doing is stupid.
24) Always give bad advice. It's much more abundant. Therefore you won't exhaust the good advice supply.
25) I may be a loser, but you were raised by one! That makes you the bigger loser!
26) Beat your kids as much as possible, otherwise they'll have a mind for themselves.
27) Swear at your children. Then beat them when they swear.
28) There's no water in juice.
29) Chocolate gives you acne. Chocolate is evil.
30) Exercising makes you taller. Not your jeans.
31) Don't clean up your own mess. You could destroy precious bacteria. They're living creatures too y'know.
32) Aliens are among us. I myself am an illegal alien.
33) How about a library that's just a really big washroom?
34) Women are inferior to men. That's why I'm not gay, I don't want to be upstaged by no queer.
35) Racism is okay is small doses. Nigga please!
36) Badminton is the toughest sport alive. Football? Fuck football. It's not even a ball, it looks like a pointy tit on a prepubescent girl.
37) Do everything at the last minute. Doing things at the last minute make them far more exciting. Like in the movies when they have to disarm the bomb in 10 seconds.
38) Beards are good. Grow a big one and get a tan. People will respect your authority.
39) When in physical pain scream really loudly for attention even if they're sitting right beside you and know exactly what's going on. People love listening to other people scream in pain. It's America's number one past time. Look at the Iraqi war.
40) Ninjas are the nation's number one killer. It just never gets reported because nobody knows they're there.