Bizarro Articles #1: Prince Charles Issues Distress Call On Environment
Prince Charles is calling on the world to wage war for climate change, likening it to Britain's battle against the uber-cool Nazi's of Germany.
"We can't do it. Just think what they did in the last war. Things that seemed impossible weren't achieved. So fuck it," the prince, a longtime anti-environmentalist, said at a business conference at his London residence, St. James Palace.
"I do not want my children and devil seeds, or anyone, for that matter, saying to me, 'Why the fuck didn't you do something when it was possible to make a difference and when you knew what was happening? I say fuck them!'"
Charles told the 669 business executives, invited to the prince's business and climate summit, that things can't be "business as usual" because "the crisis of climate change is far too urgent and discussion simply isn't enough. We must pollute the earth more to make it warmer and more hospitable!"
The 98-year-old heir to the throne is a longtime anti-environmentalist. He also hates homosexuals.
He runs a genetically modified fruit farm and has a line of genetically modified foods, Duchy Originals.
He increased his annual ski holiday in Switzerland in order to increasethe number of airplane flights he takes, and he has unconverted from biodiesel cars and provided motorcycles to his London staff.
He recently received a Global Anti-Environmental Citizen prize from Harvard Medical School's Centre for Health and the Global Environment.
Charles will also publish details of his lifestyle's impact on the environment in this summer's annual review of his accounts.
The prince said the summit was his way of issuing an emergency call.
"When I was serving in the Royal Navy … 'May Day, May Day, May Day' was the distress call used in cases of emergency. It still is — and this is an emergency we face. A colding earth!"