How to Piss Off Your Boss:
Part 1
Come in late for work (again). Make up a lame
excuse.
1) My __________ died.
Boss: Jesus Christ you're late again!
You: I'm sorry, someone near and dear to me died recently.
Boss: I'm so sorry. Who died?
You: My plant died.
Boss: Your fucking plant?!
You: What do you mean my "fucking" plant? FUCK YOU! We had good times! I used to get my full day's supply of vitamin C from that tree!
2) The weather was bad.
Boss: Fuck you're late again!
You: I'm sorry, the weather was horrendous.
Boss: What do you mean the weather was horrendous?! I just came from outside, it was a beautiful day! The sky was perfectly clear!
You: I know! The sun was all in my eyes and shit! I was nearly blinded by the lack of clouds!
3) I was feeling sick.
Boss: Shit you're late again!
You: I'm sorry, I was feeling sick.
Boss: Why didn't you stay home if you felt sick?
You: On my salary? Fuck you, I barely make enough to eat.
Boss: ...
You: Damn Skippy.
Boss: Still! You shouldn't come in late. You were late yesterday.
You: That was from all the beers I drank. Now I have a hangover.
4) Fuck you!
Boss: You're late!
You: Fuck you I quit!
Boss: You can't speak to me that way! I'm your boss!
You: You might be my boss, but my dad is your boss. Therefore by logic of reasoning, I totally pown you. Now bend down and let me fuck you up the ass.
Boss: Again?
5) Had to drop the kids off at school (i.e. they were being fuck facers).
Boss: Jackass! You're late!
You: I had to drop my kids off to school. You know, parental obligations and what not.
Boss: I understand. Wait a minute you don't have kids asshole!
You: Dogs don't count as kids?
6) I was robbed.
Boss: Shit face! You're late again!
You: It's not my fault I was robbed.
Boss: You were robbed?! Holy Christ, did you call the cops?
You: No I didn't want to lose my job.
Boss: What does that have to do with your jobs?
You: Well you guys are a bunch of crooks. If I called the cops they might just take you away.
7) I have clinical depression.
Boss: Jerk off you're late!
You: I'm sorry I was just diagnosed with clinical depression.
Boss: But still...it was the fifth time this week!
You: I know... (Look sad and slump down in your chair)
Boss: Well um get to work then.
You: I can't. It's too depressing!
Boss: You have to work!
You: This company is the cause of my depression! If you push me any harder I'll kill myself -- and my family will sue you!
Boss: What?! I didn't do anything!
You: Oh woe is me! Woe is me! (Cry)
Boss: Fuck this! I'm out of here!
8) Your wife is cheating on you.
Boss: Dickwad! You're late!
You: Sorry I stopped at your house to drop off some reports.
Boss: So what does that have to do with anything?
You: Well when I got there, you weren't home.
Boss: So? You could have just gave them to my wife.
You: Yeah about that...she seemed pretty busy so I didn't want to disturb her.
Boss: What was she doing?
You: You mean who.
Boss: ...! Not again!
9) Photocopier's broken again.
Boss: Twat face you're late! I'm going to have to fire you this time!
You: Oh hey did you know the photocopier is broken again?
Boss: Piece of shit!
You: Well I guess you should fire me now for being late huh?
Boss: Fuck it. Go fix the copier.
You: Thanks asshole.
Boss: No problem -- hey what?!